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Psalms 46

Only a day after I find out my mother has been hospitalized for projecting green substance from her guts all night long- I find out the morning of my dentist appointment that I’m bleeding. I know what this looks like and know what is about to happen. See, the thing is, I was pregnant with the man I love with all my heart [for the second time]. I didn’t have any indication that I would lose, yet another baby! I am numb. I spoke to God this morning in my numbness and had no words. Frustration? Sadness? Fear? Relief? I am not even sure what emotion I had at the site of this bright red blood. I sat home asking God for understanding. All I want is understanding of my purpose already! I am tired of thinking I am supposed to have a child and then being turned down each time! TELL ME ALREADY WHAT MY PURPOSE IS! I can only take so much up and down emotion over these miscarriages.

My day consisted of rest, sipping on seltzer water and frequent trips to the bathroom to watch pieces of my baby go down the toilet! I am pissed. I want understanding to all of this! God where are you now? I was thinking I had the utmost gift inside me this spring!!? What happened? I thought You were here all along? Please tell me right now if my dreams are too far fetched? I don’t want this dream if it’s not supposed to happen! Please take this desire away from me so I can live my life and do whatever it is you want! I just don’t know exactly what is, Lord. I need to know the plan for my life that you talk about in Jeremiah

29:11- I don’t know anymore, I’m numb. And tired of crying over this same issue over and over and over again.

Lord, I know you have a better plan. So why do I desire this child? I know you win over the enemy, Lord. Is this You or the enemy? I have no idea what to do or where to direct my energies. I have held off on writing because there is no inspiration within me. Am I supposed to write out of frustration? I don’t want to write in that fashion. I want to love easily. But it’s so hard to love right now. My heart hurts. I want to continue a legacy, Father. Why is this so hard? I just want a family. I write from the depths within me and I can’t find anything deep within to be joyful about.

I just need You Father, Holy spirit, please give me strength and pour Your love into me. I feel alone and don’t want to lose anymore. I can’t bear it anymore. This is unbearable and do not wish this upon anyone. I pray, Lord, that you give me a sense of peace moving forward. I am tired. So tired. Then in my weariness you tell me to “be still” Psalms 46:10-11. I know you want me to be still and know you are God, Lord – but can you please give me understanding of my purpose! Please! I am still. I have nothing else to give you! What do you need from me? What do you want? I surrender to you Lord. IT’S NO LONGER WHAT I WANT- I GIVE IT UP TO YOU! I’m done.

I know this seems like such an angry letter, but I have no understanding of any of the things that have happened in my life, and I need clarity. I am tired of walking aimlessly and helping others find their ways and I can’t even have a simple desire of my heart. But moving forward I know to just do what you want for me to and it will all work out. I trust You. And thank you for bearing with these uneasy words. I am in an empty place today and asking for you to fill me up again. Thank you.

Love you Lord.

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